What if a Democrat in the White House acted like Trump?

What would it sound like if Democrats talked like Donald Trump and his enablers in the Republican Party? What if they defended themselves and their positions the way Trump does?

Maybe it would sound something like this imaginary and satirical press conference with this imaginary Democrat in the White House:

Reporter 1: Mr. President, you’ve proposed raising taxes on Americans who raise more than $400,000? How do you justify this?

President: That’s a very mean question.

Reporter 1: But sir, don’t you feel you owe it to the American people to explain such a major policy decision?

President ignores question and points to a second reporter.

President: Yes, you. From the Wall Street Urinal, right?

Reporter 2: Uh, Journal. Yes, sir. Joe Todd, chief economic correspondent. In light of your proposed tax cut, Mr. President, do you have any stimulus plan to offset any potential economic downturn?

President: That’s a very stupid question. We wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for the Republi-CONS and their giveaways to the rich. What a disaster! There won’t be any economic downturn when my taxes are approved, because they’re tremendous.

Reporter 2: But sir, don’t you think you should have a contingency plan in place, just in case it doesn’t work the way you think it will?

President (glaring): Listen, I don’t know where you studied economics, but I know more about this economy than you do. I know more about it than anyone else in this room, and a hell of a lot more than those fake right-wing economists with degrees from Stanford or Post Toasties.

Reporter 2: Post Toasties? Oh, you mean Kellogg School of Business...?

President: Whatever. Who’s next. You over there.

Points to next reporter.

Reporter 3: Thank you, Mr. President. Gerald Wayne from NBC News here. If I may turn to a different topic, I’d like to ask you about your golf game with Tiger Woods. Sir, there’s a report here that you were informed of the terrorist attack on Los Angeles that killed more than 900 people, but that you insisted on completing your round before returning to the White House. Is this true?

President: That’s fake news. Besides, I need my exercise.

Reporter 3: How is it fake news? There are death certificates for those 900 people...

President: What a nasty thing to say! You’re a nasty man with a face like a horse. You probably can’t even get it up, can you? You, there in the back.

Points to another reporter.

Reporter 4: Yes, Mr. President. Jessica Crow from CNN. Don’t you feel that this slow response gives your political opponents an opening to criticize you as just another Democrat who’s soft on terrorism.

President: No one has been tougher on terrorism than I have. No one. By the way, since no one asked me about my golf game with Tiger, I thought you might find it interesting that I beat him by seven strokes. Next question.

Reporter 5: Akili Brewer from Fox News. Sir...

President (interrupting): Who let someone from Fox in here? Didn’t I order their press passes revoked?

Reporter 5: May I remind you of the court decision reinstating our press privileges...?

President: No. Next question.

Reporter 5: Mr. President, I haven’t asked my question.

President (ignoring the Fox News reporter): I said, next question. You.

Crosses arms in front of him and nods head to one side.

Reporter 6: Jen Carlton with National Review, sir. Thank you, sir. There’s evidence that COVID-19 is reacting favorably to the new vaccine, and new cases are down to a few hundred per day, compared with 70,000 at its peak. In light of this news, why are you continuing a national mask mandate?

President: Because it’s the right thing to do.

Reporter 6: Mr. President, if I may follow up: Scientists say that it is now safe for the vast majority of Americans to resume their normal activities without face masks or social distancing.

President: I trust my gut, not you scientists. Besides, I have scientists too, very good scientists, who say it’s not safe yet.

Reporter 6: Who are these scientists? Can you tell us who they are and what data they’re citing in making these recommendations?

President: They’re very good scientists. Very well respected. Everyone knows this.

Reporter 6: If I may follow up again, sir, when do you expect to lift the national mask mandate?

President: We’ll see.

Reporter 6: Do you have a date?

President: You’ll find out. We’ll have a very big announcement soon. I’ll take a few more questions. You in the blue dress.

Stephen H. Provost is a former journalist and the author of two political commentaries on Donald Trump: Political Psychosis and Media Meltdown in the Age of Trump.

Reporter 7: Elaine Cortez-Dow from Univision. Mr. President, you’ve been criticized by the right for your hard line against Russia. How do you respond to those who say you’re risking a new cold war?

President: There are very bad people in Russia. Very bad people. Do you know how bad Vladimir Poo-tin is? He’s very bad. Remember, the Russiavirus came from Moscow, not China. The Russians made it in a lab and shipped it over here via Facebook.

Reporter 7: Mr. President, there’s no evidence of that. It’s not the kind of virus that can spread on Facebook. With respect, sir, you haven’t answered my question.

President: Then try asking one that isn’t so stupid. Next.

Points to another reporter.

Reporter 8: Good afternoon, Mr. President. I’m Lillian Chao of Next News Daily.

President: Excuse me, why are you speaking?

Reporter 8: You said “Next” and pointed in my direction, Mr. President. I’m from Next News.

President: I meant the woman behind you. But go ahead.

Reporter 8: Thank you, Mr. President. I’d like to return to the terrorist attack on Los Angeles that killed 900 people. It’s been known for days that ISIL has claimed responsibility for this attack. There are those who say you’ve been too slow to acknowledge that Islamic extremists is responsible for many of these attacks. Why have you been so hesitant to condemn militant Islamists? I’m not talking about Islam in general, but Islamic extremists.

President (gesticulating wildly with both hands): ISIL is defeated. 100 percent. Besides, we have freedom of religion in this country. Most of this terrorist stuff is the work of white nutjobs who come from right here at home.

Reporter 8: I’m aware of the statistics, Mr. President. Does the fact that domestic terrorism is more common mean that we should ignore the source of terror attacks launched by Islamic radicals?

President: There are very fine people on both sides.

Reporter 8: Both sides of these terror attacks?

President: You heard me. Next question, please.

Points to reporter in the front row.

Reporter 9: James R. Wilbon with Huffington Post. Sir, the House Oversight Committee has subpoenaed your tax returns. You said previously, during the campaign, you would provide these returns. Will you commit to doing so now?

President: Nobody cares about that. They wouldn’t have elected me if they did.

Reporter 9: Respectfully, the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Government Affairs cared enough to issue a subpoena, and they’ve subpoenaed people from your administration to speak on this subject. But you’ve said you won’t allow them to testify, citing executive privilege. Can you share the grounds on which you’re claiming that privilege?

President: I’m the executive and it’s my privilege.

Reporter 9: Can you just ignore a lawful subpoena?

President: Of course I can. I’ll just tie it up in the courts so they can’t touch me. It’s a Republi-CON hoax. They’re out to get me. It’s not paranoia if it’s true, and it’s not a conspiracy theory if there’s a real conspiracy. Everyone knows that turtle-headed kumquat, Mitch McConman has it in for me.

Reporter 9: What ever happened to “If they go low, we go high”?

President: I never said that. That was someone else. Someone from the old Democratic Party who didn’t endorse me because they’re not a real Democrat. That’s not my style: If they go low, I go low, too. I’m a fighter. If they hit me, I kick them back twenty times in the balls. If you don’t believe me, come at me, bro.

Reporter 10: Julia Hidalgo of ABC News. It recently came to light that your attorney general may have illegally contributed more than $2 million in funds to your election fund — money he allegedly obtained by blackmailing a known child sex trafficker.

President: There’s no proof of that. In this country, people are innocent until proven guilty. It’s in the 19th Amendment.

Reporter 10: Sir, the 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote. It has nothing to do with the presumption of innocence.

President: Whatever.

Reporter 10: Aren’t you concerned how this might reflect on you if your attorney general is found guilty of these crimes?

President: Maybe you don’t understand the way the system works. The attorney general prosecutes crimes. He can’t prosecute himself. That would be a conflict of interest.

Reporter 10: Which is why he should recuse himself...

President: Recuse himself? Then he wouldn’t be doing his job!

Reporter 10: Mr. President, you just pointed out that he couldn’t ethically prosecute himself. But if he “wouldn’t be doing his job” by recusing himself, how do you propose he proceed?

President: That’s up to him. He’s a very fine attorney general. I’m not involved in those decisions.

Reporter 10: Mr. President, it’s been reported that you’ve had significant contact with the alleged child sex trafficker involved in this case. There are pictures of you with him.

President: I don’t know the man. I take pictures with a lot of people.

Reporter 10: But Mr. President, the man has been identified as your nephew. Would you consider a pardon if he’s found guilty?

President: Who are you talking about? My nephew or the attorney general?

Reporter 10: Either one.

President: We’ll see.

President turns and hastily exits.